[bubbabyte]

Before i start... this is probably gonna be a long one, so if you can't make it all the way through or you can make it all the way through and don't know how to respond.. i understand, i just have to get this off my chest. I'll start by saying that the reason I'm writing this on HWG is because in all honesty when i moved to Ontario i left everything else behind and you people are pretty much the only friends i feel i have nowadays, some of you even donated to my site when i had it or paid me for graphic work and that alone means so much to me you really have no idea, to take a chance on me, especially over the net, means more than you'll ever know. There has been a series of events over the past few months that have just taken me further down a dark road than i care to go, and i can see where I'm headed, i just can't stop it. It all started with my Aunt (godmother) getting cancer. Now i know most people can think that, oh it's just your aunt, it's not a big deal. Well this is not the case, in many ways this woman was more of a mother to me than my own mom, she was my go to person when i was in need or needed advice and she always knew how to fix a situation. She was diagnosed with cancer, and it hit me hard, but in a different way because instead of waking me up to get my life together in the little time i have, i left me not caring about anything because i felt there was no point. Since i found that out I've become moody and unpredictable. Soon after this, i managed to wake up injured, go figure. I woke up one day and couldn't move. Upon finally seeing a doctor, i was told i had meralgia peresthetica (nothing major, but basically i couldn't sit or stand for more than 5 min for a while) This basically came about because of my weight (which I'll get into in a bit) and sitting in a chair for 8 hours a day at work. So i was forced to go on short term disability because i could not work, and turns out i was paid the bare minimum of $150 a week salary which has totally screwed my family, we're so far in debt and can barely afford a loaf of bread but god love my wife for sticking by me through all this, i dont deserve this woman. What bothers me most is when i see on forums, sometimes this one, about people buying there new tv's or mac's or whatever, i don't get jealous but i get mad at myself because i feel like i've totally accepted the fact that i will never have one, i feel like i've given up but can't change it. I've been on disability for 4 months now, and although most of the pain is gone, i still don't want to return to work because i hated my job with a passion because being a rep for cingular i didn't feel as though i helped people more than i just verbally fucked them, however, in the city i live in there is very little work here and pretty much everyone works at the same place. So now that i've had a new baby i remain off work through parental leave until i can figure out where to go from here, because my life has been one dead end job to another and i feel as though I'm talented in so many things but i just can't get that one chance. My next issue is of course my weight, which I've been dealing with for a long time. I don't often talk about it because i like to think that it doesn't matter, but it does matter, especially now. My mother has dealt with the same issue and is scheduled for surgery in April to correct it. Alot of people will say just diet, just get some exercise but for me it always fails because when the next bad thing happens it takes me down again. So with that said, I've been trying to get the surgery as well because it's just getting out of hand, but here's the kicker, Ontariod has 1-2 surgeons that do this practice and there is a 3 year waiting list to have this done, and as in your face as this sounds, I'm not sure i have another 3 years in me. And as of 2 weeks ago, i was diagnosed with diabetes, which has been in my family and killed my grandmother. Since hearing that news, I've been kinda numb and once again not really caring about anything or anyone. My last issue goes all the way back to where this all started, my aunt who has cancer. A week ago i was told that after her chemo, everything went well and the cancer was gone until further notice, i talked to her and she sounded better so it was a great day. I found out yesterday by my mother that this is all a lie and that the cancer has spread and they don't expect her to make it until summer (which was when she was gonna visit) but the kicker is that apparently she doesn't know this, her husband wants her to just keep going about normally without having to worry about it, and i feel like i'm betraying her by knowing this, aside from the news just killing me inside. She lives 3 provinces away and i can't visit her, just know that something like this is out of your hands and there is nothing you can do to make it better is overwhelming, and i don't know how to act or feel. This my rock bottom.

[Michael]

Once you hit rock bottom there is only one place to go and thats up.

You'll be ok we will all hope for the best and if ya need anything we will try to help.

[MacGuy]

What legacy do you want to leave for your child? One of a father that gave up or one of a father that did everything humanly possible to give that child a fighting chance in this world. IMO once you start having children they have to become the sole focus and sometimes that means making sacrifices. I'll ask the obvious question . . . what would be your Aunt's response if she were to read that post (sans the parts concerning her)?

[Sgt_Grim_Reaper]

I feel for ya man (big hug).

Maybe you could run an Ebay business for a while, my wife does that a little and she makes good money when she does sell something. I bought a jacket for $10 at a thrift shop and she sold it for over $150.

[xdrewsiferx]

Well I dont know you at all because I am well new here but I see where you are coming from and I think that MacGuy put it as blunt and to the point as someone can. I understand how an aunt can be more then a parents sister but all in all its really her husband's choice to let her know if she is doing well and for all we know she could go years with the cancer in her and live on to watch your kids grow up and get married. I know this is not the best example but my cat when we got her she was 6 weeks old at the year point we noticed she got oddly round on her stomach area so we took ehr to the vet. The vet said that she had only s few month to live because she has cancer of the stomach, lungs, the whole digestive system, and it is spreading. We were all shocked but didnt show her any different treatment because we could really do nothign but show her our love. She died last year, I am 22 almost 23 I got her when I was 5.

Back to the point where I said its the hubby's choice to tell her this come from my understanding of people who have cancer as my grandmother does. Chemo is hard on the body and it is painful. Would you rather watch her in pain for the chance that it fixes it or would your rather her be ignorant to the issue and live out her days in peace with out the pain and anguish that chemo brings?

All in all I give you my best and I live just below BC (i think from what u said thats wehre she is.) if there is anything I can do to help let me know I might be new but I compleatly understand.

[VeraBlue]

Originally Posted by Michael

Once you hit rock bottom there is only one place to go and thats up.

Nah, you can stay down there for a while, keep everything simple Bubba and slowly start getting your crap back together. I call it madcapping, for instance I don't go out unless I have to and it's mainly to school. Keeping yourself occupied with stuff is the best thing (e.g. studying for me). Personally I stopped caring about most things, because trust me, they will start to overwhelm you. You need to focus on day to day things, keep it simple. And then start figuring out what you should be caring about. Aka, your children and your family.

There's nothing you can do for your aunt, the sooner you come to terms with that better. All you can do is give her your support, I had my mum die of cancer seven years ago, that shit's tough. I've blamed myself for that and after a while you start to understand that there was nothing you can do. About the diabetes, um that sucks, not sure what to say though. Diets are also useless, lifestyle changes do work though, e.g. changing your eating habits, it's worked for me at least.

About owning Macs, can't afford one either. Don't feel bad, the half of us here can't afford them. It's just an object, who cares... if your computer works then that's fine. Don't need to get all fancy.

Also, things won't get better over night... they take a lot of time to get fixed.

@xdrewsiferx: people aren't like house pets, they deserve to know what's going on with them.

[Sgt_Grim_Reaper]

I can't afford a Mac. Too much more stuff I need.

[mikerm19]

Bubba: Are you only a Canadian citizen?

I was thinkin you could take a look at some rail jobs, I checked out Candian Pacific, they have a yard trainee job, but it's in Wisconsin. Nice $$ though.

[Sgt_Grim_Reaper]

Canadians have better health plans... it's free.

[mikerm19]

I saw a thing on that, and Bubba touches on that, the waiting list is so long that Candian citizens come to the US for any sort of surgery, etc.